Getting to Know People

I've been away from blogging for a month, which means that at some point soon, I'll reflect on my blogger experience thus far. After all, I want to know if this is valuable fo me.

I haven't been blogging because I've been busy. I've moved from Quest University Canada to Bennington College and started my spring term. I've finalized my senior projects (finally). Oh, and of course, I am starting to figure out my soon-to-come post-graduation life. But enough about me. Let’s get to know people.

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Ever had awkward "get to know each other" activities? I've certainly had my share and even inflicted a few of those upon high school clubs I participated in. But recently, I participated in an excellent activity where I actually got to know other people.

Context: Every year, a bunch of offices at Bennington College collaborate to put on the Senior Conference, an extended weekend of activities and workshops designed to situate ourselves to the way of life outside of school. (And yes, this means hearing people say that working for corporate America is not, in fact, "selling out" on your true self.)

There were only sixty people on campus at this time, and if we were going to spend the conference with them, we should get to know them. Surprisingly (for a school the size of Bennington), there were other seniors that I had never met before and could not recall ever noticing. The coordinators of the conference knew this, of course, and planned several "get to know each other" activities.

The one I liked best was an introduction of someone you didn't know to the rest of the group. This involved several steps: 1) finding someone you don't know, 2) taking the effort to initiate conversation with them, 3) knowing the person well enough so that neither of you is embarrassed during the introduction, and 4) actually giving the introduction to the entire group.

Why was this so successful? On the surface, it seems like any other kind of activity, where you find out a bunch of stuff about someone else. But, reflecting upon it, the introductions were less artificial than most activities.

First, we had to find someone we didn't know well and speak with them. Unlike other activities, we weren't assigned someone else, so there was less of that "Alright guys, we're in this together. Let's just get it over with." attitude. Navigating the frantic eye contact game to select a partner, we had to choose who we wanted to get to know.

Secondly, we weren't just having the conversation for the sake of the conversation. Some activities ask you to find "One thing they learned in the last three months." But unless you're in a social mood (and some people are all the time) or unless the person is particularly insightful, that information hardly matters.

Here, though, we had a responsibility: we were introducing this person to the group. There was a goal in mind, and I was going to work toward it.

I wonder if this is obvious to a lot of people, but it certainly wasn’t obvious to me: conversations, at least initial ones, work better with a goal. A goal might be “What can I learn about computing from this person?” or “What does this person think of my latest ideal for a novel?”. They could just be “What kinds of things does this person do?” in the hopes of finding some leads for what you’re interested in.

It doesn’t even have to be a different goal for different people. Certainly, that last question about what people do (occupation, where they live, hobbies, etc.) is a part of what we consider when getting to know someone. We can’t know everyone well, but the more people we know more about, the more we can choose who to spend time with later on.

Back to those “getting to know” activities, though, whenever I participated in one, I would never have thought of treating those “conversations” as goal-oriented (and therefore good for me). These introductions, on the other hand, provided an excellent goal to work toward.

Nevermind that goal was short-term (within the 30 minutes of the activity). It was the first time I had done this activity with any sort of goal in mind. And it got me into the rhythm of actually wanting to know more about my partner, where I could ask more, even unscripted, questions.

Lastly, there was the reinforcement system in play. If I didn’t get to know my partner, we would both be embarrassed. So I had to be sure I knew at least the basic info about my partner by the end of the conversation. And yes, this even meant reviewing, which turned out to be a nice thing to do.

In conclusion, I was surprised that I enjoyed the activity. I’m normally not a social person, but this activity actually worked for me. Having to introduce the person to other people made all the difference. This reflection might even change the way that I meet people. If it worked for me, it might work for you.